Thursday, May 03, 2012
My life is a mess. I am a mess. There are so many things that I can't undo. So many things that, I'm beginning to realize, might have passed me by. So many other things that I want to do, but am being bogged down by guilt, responsibilities, expectations and fear. I would like to pen down my thoughts, all the conflict of emotions, and assorted blah, blahs, but then I remembered this. An old forward, sent by an old friend from a time long forgotten. Everything that I could say, this says better. So here goes.
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...
And while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
Right? I read this and I realized that what I'm going through really isn't limited to just me. Given the billions on this planet, I'm pretty sure of this. But that doesn't make it less scary to go through. Ultimately, its your life, and your decisions. And no matter how much a person might know you, they will never know what prompts you to make a decision, or choose a certain path in life. So yes, your life lies in your hands. Its completely in your control. What you do with it ultimately comes down to you. And that knowledge will exhilarate you, liberate you, and make you feel invincible, while scaring the sh*t out of you. ;)
So yes, I'll close this post with that final thought. Take Care. Until next time. Ciao!
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Came across this today. I just knew I had to preserve this for posterity (read put it somewhere easy for me to find... :))
Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.
Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.
Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch.
Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types.
Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.
They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, spouses and fools.
They don't take life too seriously, they travel light.
They leave no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return.
They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, they get a deal on dry cleaning.
They are hard to find when your eyes are closed...
But they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.
~By Veronica Hay~
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
This post is ironic in a way. I'm writing about how I'm unable to write!
And the reason I've figured, is that my mind is messed up. Whatever has happened in the past few months has managed to mess me up so bad, that I am unable to write about it! I know this sounds weird, but for me, writing down my thoughts and feelings has always come naturally to me. That I am unable to do so for recent events, is alarming.
Until today, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't gather up my thoughts to write down something legible. I would start off with something, and end up meandering through so many other somethings, that I ultimately lost focus of the something I was supposed to focus on. And there were so many instances of this, so many drafts that I've discarded because it didn't make sense. (If I didn't have my laptop, and its recycle bin, I could've taken a pic of all the scrunched up pieces of paper around my dust-bin .) My irritation and disappointment at not being able to write kept building up in proportion as well. Which is why, today I decided that I would try and figure out what exactly was happening.
Conclusion: My mind is messed up. Not just messed up - SO messed up. Making a list of what's messing me up out here is not exactly appropriate. So, I'll just go on to say that its unnerving how so many things can affect you without you being aware of it. And your being unaware of it only complicated matters by making you wonder what's wrong with yourself - Why did react like that? Why didn't you do that? What were you thinking when you were doing that?.... You get my drift, right?
And so yes, now that I've started the flow, I'm hoping it will continue. :) I can only be silent for so long, I guess.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Beautiful Weather puts me in a good mood. I mean – like ‘D’uh!’ :P But you see, good weather for me also includes the monsoons – when it rains cats and dogs (and possibly many other things too), when its so windy that the trees back home look in danger of falling (and you can actually hear them go ‘Creeeaaaakkkkk….!!’) from all of the swaying, when the roads get so flooded that you wade through shin-deep water to reach the bus-stop so you can catch the bus to college(And the running joke then would be, “We should all get ourselves a boat, not a car :D), when your umbrella gets blown off, or contorted into different shapes by those notorious 55kmph winds on Shanmugham Road., when you and everything on you is dripping wet – save for your head. ;P
I still remember how my mum’s ancestral home back in Cochin would be flooded – with the water reaching up to my 5-year-old knees. :D Those were fun times… Me, my cousins and assorted neighborhood kids would spend most of the rainy weekends wading in these waters, making paper boats – waiting to see who’s would sink first, who’s would stay till the last. Holding paper boat races too! And the elders of course, keeping an eye on us from the doorway. ‘Keeping an eye’ because they knew that no amount of cajoling or scolding could keep us out of the water – so they might as well make sure we were safe!! :P Ah… Many a childhood weekend has passed in such timeless, innocent, ‘wet’ fun. (And oh, there are so many, many more memories. But I guess I’ll save them for another post…)
And how can I not mention the thunderstorms. Sitting at my window or doorstep (depending on how heavy the rains were) and watching the lightening tear the sky into pieces has never failed to amaze me. The sight of those brilliant flashes forking through a dark night, watching them trace their way across the stormy skies leaving behind traces of blue or pink in their wake is simply too brilliant to be put into words.
Stormy weather has almost always been my ‘Special Alone Time.’ Anytime I’m upset and want to be alone, sitting at my window, watching the storm brew, and finally unleash its fury has always had a calming effect on me. Its been the one constant source of calmness for my troubled soul, from this sometimes weary life. If only I could capture the fierce, wild beauty of a storm and preserve it! But then again, if it could be captured, how could I admire its wild ferocity?? Its ability to turn the land into a greener, cleaner, and noticeably wetter place… :D (Sidethought: This sounds so much like an analogy for the troubled soul – You know, you’re worn down with the mundane troubles of everyday life, much like nature is. And then, as the rains wash them all away, so does shedding a few tears wash away the worries & cares – though not the reason, plaguing your soul.)
This of course, is a much romanticized way of looking at rains and storms and the monsoon season as such. But then again I am a self-confessed, hard-core romantic. And being one, how can I not bring in the imagery of a long, lonely, refreshing walk in the rain? Sigh…. And even better would be a long walk in the rain with your special someone (Oh c’mon! Don’t gimme that look!! :P )
And I have a confession to make. My love for rains is coloured by nostalgia. The monsoon rains are associated with so very many beautiful memories for me, that if I were to list them here, this post would extend forever! And this post is inspired by that love.
Anyway, even today, the sight of those ominous grey clouds, those harbingers of rainy days, cozy nights spent wrapped in blankets, and lazy mornings – has never failed to excite me, to bring out the child in me. It still does, though the intensity of such feelings, as with all things grown up, is definitely lesser in magnitude. :( Rainy days are meant to be spent at home – sitting on your balcony with a book for company, and some hot chocolate in hand. They’re not meant to spent indoors, in front of a computer screen. But that’s what growing up has done to me, its what it does to most of us. Roles, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah… I get so lost in them, that I don’t know how to look for joy in those little things anymore. Well, I guess that’s the natural progression of life, huh?
And so, I’m thankful for those childhood moments of fun, and I love and look forward to these beautiful rains, and the memories they bring with them.